Lots of self-help on here lately. Apparently I need self help.
Have you ever read Boundaries with Kids?
Something I think about from it a lot is the 4 stages of motivational development. In other words, why do our kids do what they do?
The authors submit that there are four stages, and no one skips a stage. They are all crucial to move through in order to get to the most excellent way: love.
Stage 1: Fear of consequences. This absolutely has to be first. If we…I mean kids…think they can get away with doing whatever they want, they will. But if they start to fear what will happen if they continue to throw toys or are mean to others, it will motivate them to stop. The consequence, by the way, should never, ever, ever be loss of love. God doesn’t do that to us. I’m only doing my chores because I want to play the iPad. Yes. Good.
Stage 2: Immature conscience. Kids start to internalize these consequences. They may even say, “Bad boy,” to themselves when they begin to do something wrong. This is good. They are taking the limit and starting to develop a conscience to determine what is right and wrong. I will obey because my internal parent is saying don’t do this.
Stage 3: Values and ethics. This is the movement from Bad boy to This is a wrong thing to do. The authors mention this is an especially important time to avoid guilt and shame messages. Otherwise, “kids in this stage easily fall into being ‘good people’ because they want to avoid guilt feelings or shame about themselves. Keep bringing your child back to reality principles like ‘That goes against what you and we believe.'” (pg 132)
Stage 4: Mature Love, Mature Guilt. This is movement beyond what is ethically right and wrong to what Jesus says is the highest motive: love. Kids connect with others in deep attachment, and concern for the people in those relationships becomes the motivation behind why they do what they do. It’s the difference between right and wrong and this hurts others or God.
Talking about empathy is important here. “How do you think she felt when you said that?” is different than “It is not right to say mean things.” The authors make sure to point out if we become too critical or withdraw our love at this point, kids will lean more toward fear-based compliance than love-based compassion for others. (I think it’s important to say that this love-based compassion for others will always have healthy limits and boundaries that go along with it. Love is something freely given, not demanded.)
It’s funny because, in the ways God is growing me up and dealing with my shame issues, and in the ways I deal with at-risk women, I see my own self going through these stages some days. Things like I totally bit my tongue just now because I don’t want to hear the boys call me out on saying that. Or Ugh. I am so sad I committed to something else. I know that will affect my closest relationships.
So…what do you think? I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t know all the ins and outs. But I loved learning about it. Do you have any experience in your own life or in parenting in seeing these stages of motivation?