1.  I had already downloaded some photos from last week.  Found em!  All is not lost.

2.  Wanted to make sure and say the fact that we are often incredibly random and spontaneous with extra finances is a main reason we have a “sorry bank account.”  Just wanted to make sure and take responsibility.

 

Homework

 

Making brownies for Caden’s school Fun Night.  Unfortunately, they did not make it to the Fun Night.

I thought we needed some orange.  We didn’t have orange.  Caleb goes, “We can mix some colors.”  Yes we can, bud.

 

It seems to be my M.O. to post pictures about things going on in our life about this time in the week.  Unfortunately, I deleted all the pictures off my camera.  I don’t want to talk about it.

 

We’ve hung with several fun friends lately.  Also, when the weather heats up, neighbor kids come out of the woodwork.  I love when they breeze in and out of our house, feeling welcome.  (As long as I get some down time in there somewhere!)

 

We’ve been helping our friends move into a new house.  Then they will sell both houses and move away.  I don’t want to talk about it.

 

What else?  On particularly trying days that surround work of the kingdom (hard parenting days, investing in people, writing, our team’s outreach) hubs and I – and a friend and I – often talk about this scene in The Matrix:

 

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9VA-U69yaY

 

Ever felt like this?  Neo can take the blue pill and go on living happy and oblivious.  Or he can take the red pill and find out the truth about our broken world.

 

It really is broken.  So much hurt.  And we really do have an enemy who hates us. Especially if we’re seeking to make Him and His kingdom our first priority.

 

Some days this friend or I will say, “The red pill was worth it, right?”  Then the other will proceed to list all the reasons it is.  All the relationships and insights and intimacy with our King that He has offered us as we’ve chosen to see.  To go deeper.  To live with intentionality, even as we rest in His embrace.

 

Or my husband, who loves quality things, will look at our breaking vehicles or unfinished floors or sorry bank account and ask me to remind him why it was good we spent our twenties training to be missional instead of building a huge nest egg.  And we’ll remind each other all the ways He’s provided.  And the people who mean more to us than money and “security.”  And how it will all vanish in the end anyway.

 

Friends, He is so worth it.  And the things He calls us to are worth it.  Let’s live in His love and power today.

 

He’s the only One Whose approval matters.

 

 

https://www.intentionalkingdomliving.com/1681/

Lots of self-help on here lately.  Apparently I need self help.

 

Have you ever read Boundaries with Kids?

 

 

Something I think about from it a lot is the 4 stages of motivational development.  In other words, why do our kids do what they do?

 

The authors submit that there are four stages, and no one skips a stage.  They are all crucial to move through in order to get to the most excellent way: love.

 

Stage 1: Fear of consequences.  This absolutely has to be first.  If we…I mean kids…think they can get away with doing whatever they want, they will.  But if they start to fear what will happen if they continue to throw toys or are mean to others, it will motivate them to stop.  The consequence, by the way, should never, ever, ever be loss of love.  God doesn’t do that to us.  I’m only doing my chores because I want to play the iPad.  Yes. Good.

 

Stage 2: Immature conscience.  Kids start to internalize these consequences.  They may even say,  “Bad boy,” to themselves when they begin to do something wrong.  This is good. They are taking the limit and starting to develop a conscience to determine what is right and wrong.  I will obey because my internal parent is saying don’t do this.

 

Stage 3: Values and ethics.  This is the movement from Bad boy to This is a wrong thing to do.  The authors mention this is an especially important time to avoid guilt and shame messages.  Otherwise, “kids in this stage easily fall into being ‘good people’ because they want to avoid guilt feelings or shame about themselves.  Keep bringing your child back to reality principles like ‘That goes against what you and we believe.'” (pg 132)

 

Stage 4: Mature Love, Mature Guilt.  This is movement beyond what is ethically right and wrong to what Jesus says is the highest motive: love.  Kids connect with others in deep attachment, and concern for the people in those relationships becomes the motivation behind why they do what they do.  It’s the difference between right and wrong and this hurts others or God.

 

Talking about empathy is important here.  “How do you think she felt when you said that?” is different than “It is not right to say mean things.”  The authors make sure to point out if we become too critical or withdraw our love at this point, kids will lean more toward fear-based compliance than love-based compassion for others.  (I think it’s important to say that this love-based compassion for others will always have healthy limits and boundaries that go along with it.  Love is something freely given, not demanded.)

 

It’s funny because, in the ways God is growing me up and dealing with my shame issues, and in the ways I deal with at-risk women, I see my own self going through these stages some days.  Things like I totally bit my tongue just now because I don’t want to hear the boys call me out on saying that.  Or Ugh.  I am so sad I committed to something else.  I  know that will affect my closest relationships.  

 

So…what do you think?  I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t know all the ins and outs.  But I loved learning about it.  Do you have any experience in your own life or in parenting in seeing these stages of motivation?

 

 

Before I was afflicted I went astray,

But now I obey your word.

You are good, and what you do is good;

Teach me your decrees…

It was good for me to be afflicted

So that I might learn your decrees.

 

The law from your mouth is more precious to me

Than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

They look everywhere except to the Most High… (Hosea 7:16a NLT)

 

How do you “look everywhere except to the Most High”?

 

When winter hits, even if things are going fairly well, I want to hibernate.  This year God is asking me to train.  To keep showing up.  Even when the pull to hibernate is something fierce.

 

 

One of my favorite Christian marriage books for women is Sacred Influence.  He regularly reminds his female readers:

 

My identity isn’t in my marital status.  My identity is in Jesus.

 

Wait.  That isn’t what we read marriage books for.  We read so our marriage can be better. Not so we can give up!

 

Oh, friends.  So many times He is going to ask us to give things up.  Not so we don’t care any more.  And not so once we give it to Him, we can have what we want.

 

But because holding on will destroy us.

 

Just the other day a friend was telling me how God is walking her through letting go.  She has for a long time practiced holding her children with an open hand.  Reminding herself that they are God’s, not hers.  They are entrusted to her care for now, but they ultimately belong to Jesus.

 

God has been pushing even more in this area.  Her husband also isn’t hers.  He belongs to Jesus.  And he is not supposed to be her Rock.

 

The pit in her stomach as she processes this is real.

 

I can completely relate.

 

Friends, He asks us to die to ourselves.  And death is painful.

 

I was talking to a very discerning, godly woman yesterday about a ministry area close to my heart.  She might have said I have a control problem.

 

She’s right.  I had to open my hands.  And I will have to keep opening my hands.

 

It will hurt.

 

But He really is The Most High.  He is God.  And for whatever reason He has to pry open our hands, it will be for our best.

He comes to us gently – but very firmly – and says,

 

“This is not yours.  Give it to Me.  Yes, grieve.  Now rest.  Let Me be God.”

 

 

 

My boys love to look at old photos and videos on the computer.  Yesterday I let youngest go to town while I did some dishes.  This morning, this picture was open:

 

Come on, man.

 

Tuesday I had an eye doctor appointment.  I do not like that puff of air.  I jump and make the assistant jump.  Last year Caleb held my hand.  This year he had preschool.

 

I (teasingly) asked him how I will do it without him this year.

 

He goes, “Be brave.  Be strong.  And I have a joke for you.  Why did the squirrel eat the tree instead of the acorn? Because he ate a treehouse.”

 

I think you see what he means.

 

 

 

Been a pretty good week around here.  Checkers at the library.

 

Using the online card catalog

 

School Conferences/Book Fair last week

 

Personal feelings about the Golden Arches aside, the new Play Place is great when hanging with a friend on a winter afternoon waiting for conferences.  Lots of wrestling and yelling in a sanctioned environment.

 

My beautiful and musically talented friend participated in an event with Arts Partners at Exploration Place.  The goal was to bridge arts and science.  She had kids make Rattlesnakes.  Super cute.

 

The event also featured art from a local high school.

My personal favorite.

 

Drawing a Goldfish Snake and a Snake Dragon.  They had to figure out which order, class and species to which their make-believe creatures belong.

Downtown Snow Scene

If you can’t tell, the Rattlesnake is biting him.

 

Any of my high school people out there?  Remember Dutch Blitz?  Had a gift card for Amazon with a few extra dollars on it.  Saw this and couldn’t resist.  Oldest and I love it.  Youngest and Dan?  Not so much.

 

Aaaannd….The real reason moms don’t love snow.  All the wet clothes.

 

Anything fun or new or snow-related in your life?   I really want to know.

 

 

This is the day the LORD has made;

Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

 

Have you ever read this book?

Absolutely fascinating.  Just like we all have one or two primary love languages, we have a primary language of apology.

For example, if I can only hear one or two of the languages, my heart responds best to expressing regret and genuine repentance.

Dan is more of an accepting responsibility and making restitution kind of man.  That’s because we’re wired very differently.

 

If he has asked me to do something and, for one reason or another, it didn’t get done, saying I’m sorry is like white noise to him.  But if I say, “That was wrong and I should have made it a priority in my day, especially since you asked me to do that.  I will make sure to do it before I go to bed.” it just sits with him better.

 

And if I see him genuinely sorrowful that he has hurt me, combined with a clear decision to not do it again – that actually changes his behavior going forward, my heart is so warmed.

 

Of course this doesn’t just have to do with marriages.  Apologizing to friends, co-workers, children, roommates, neighbors is all necessary as we imperfect humans brush up against (smack into?) each other in daily life.

 

Speaking of children, we learned from friends to teach our kids that when someone apologizes, to not just say, “That’s okay.”   But instead to say, “I forgive you.”

 

Because it matters.

 

I think all of this reflects the heart of a very relational God.  It has been a while since I read it, so I won’t get this thought exact.  But at one point, the authors talk about how God Himself requires apologies.  First, when we confess our rebellion towards Him and our need for Him to save us.  This establishes our relationship with Him.

 

But then, all through our relationship, we apologize and confess (agree with Him) about our continued sin.  This reestablishes our fellowship with Him.

 

Although our relationship is secure and will never change (I will always be His daughter), our fellowship can be affected by my sin.  Confession and forgiveness restore our intimacy.

 

What do you think?  Ever read the book?  Ever thought of apologies in this way?  How do you best “hear” an apology?

 

I really want to know.

 

 

 

What can I do with you, Ephraim?

What can I do with you, Judah?

Your love is like the morning mist,

Like the early dew that disappears.  (Hosea 6:4 NIV)

Your declarations of love last no longer

Than morning mist and predawn dew. (The Message)

Your love for me disappears

More quickly than mist

Or dew at sunrise (CEV)

 

 

Talking and thinking a lot about love on here.  My love is like what He describes above: fleeting, like how the sun burns up the morning dew.

 

His love, on the other hand, is constant, faithful, and pure.  One thing I adore about His agape love is it “doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.”

 

Real love doesn’t deceive.  It doesn’t manipulate.  It hates evil – not the person doing evil.

 

And it loves, loves truth.

 

That’s our beautiful God’s love.

 

What do you think this means for our communities?  For me it means to continue exploring all those self-protective strategies with my safe community, remembering growth in Him is a process.  I think it means choosing to remember all the ways that safe community has seen me mess up and they have still not withdrawn their love for me.

 

I think it also means letting down our cultural guard – the one that says we mind our own business and others mind their own.  And instead we embrace our need for each other.

 

I also think delighting in truth and hating evil means if we have something against a brother or sister, we go directly to them.  If we don’t we are violating love and our command in Scripture.

 

Because honestly?  It’s like that song Broken by Lifehouse I heard yesterday:

 

“I am damaged at best

Like you’ve already figured out”

 

Friends, that’s all of us until heaven.  We are going to hurt each other.  It’s a guarantee.

 

But as people who are commanded to love our enemies, how do we get to a place of being able to love each other well?

 

Let’s start with our Father’s heart:

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,

And acknowledgement of God

Rather than burnt offerings.  (Hose 6:6 NIV)

I’m after love that lasts, not more religion.

I want you to know God, not go to more prayer meetings (The Message)

I’d rather for you to be faithful and to know me

Than to offer sacrifices. (CEV)

I want you to show love,
    Not offer sacrifices.
I want you to know me
    More than I want burnt offerings. (NLT)

 

God wants what any lover wants: us.  If Dan is only doing things for me but never just knowing me, I am hurt.

 

So is He.

 

He desires loyalty to the covenant He made with us in Jesus’ blood more than what we do for Him.

 

Remember the original covenant?  Genesis 15:9-10a, 12, 17-18a says:

 

“So the LORD said to [Abram],

 

‘Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.’

 

Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other…

 

As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him…

 

When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces.  On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram…”

 

To cut a covenant with someone meant laying one half of an animal carcass across from the other half.  The two parties would walk between the sliced animals saying, “May this be done to me if I don’t keep my oath.”

 

But in His beautiful covenant with Abram, God alone – our Consuming Fire, in the form of a smoking firepot and blazing torch – passes through the pieces.  Abram wasn’t even awake!  Nothing depended on him.  Everything depended on God.

 

Oh, friends, how much more the New Covenant He made with the death of His Son?  Everything depends on the sacrifice made on our behalf.  The covenant is still uniquely one-sided.

 

When we remember that, it humbles us.  We can look at each other with the enormity of what He’s forgiven and give that same grace to each other.

 

He has done all the work.  We rest in the Cross and get to know the heart behind the One Who would lay it all down for a sleeping people who will never realize the fullness of what He’s done for us until One Day we see.