Our small group meets throughout the summer, but we alternate a study week with a fun/snack/conversation week.
The best.
The past couple fun nights we’ve been going through a list of questions to get to know each other better. Last week, one question really got me thinking:
What qualities do you look for in a good friend?
There were lots of answers: loyalty, depth, humor, dependability, good listener. I couldn’t put my finger on what I wanted to say until I recalled something a friend told me long ago. She believed there should be a 6th Love Language: feeling understood.
At first I was skeptical, but over the years, I’ve kept coming back to it. There’s just something about walking away from an interaction with someone and thinking, they get it.
My good friend agreed. But then she added something that, looking back, rounded out what I couldn’t quite verbalize: safety. I thought I knew what she meant, but asked anyway what her definition of safety was.
Her answer? No shame.
Earlier that day she had told another friend a handful of not necessarily deep things, but things which were important to her. The kicker? She knew this friend would probably not share the same opinion.
And yet.
She felt absolutely safe disclosing them all. This friend would never shame her for not agreeing with her or with the majority on these items. But, and probably even more notably, this same friend also would not likely change her own opinion. Agreement or disagreement held no sway over the safety factor.
Yes.
Most of us do not want friends who simply agree with everything we say. But I do think we want safety. To truly share our heart, no matter how it might differ from popular opinion.
Maybe it’s what Emily Dickinson meant when she said, “I find it shelter to speak with you.”
It is like shelter. In a storm of differences and misunderstandings, we can be shelter to each other.
I think we have to be, friends. If you believe the Cross is the only way to come near a Perfect, Holy God, you have a world full of siblings. And these brothers and sisters have a world full of experiences and backgrounds and opinions.
And yet, we can be shelter to one another.
We can function, like our friend Paul said, as one Body. Completely unique in giftings, callings, experiences, styles and expressions. And yet, completely of One Spirit.
Of the non-essentials (read: things that don’t contradict His flawless, revealed Word) in which ones do you have the hardest time giving others a safe place to breathe? And, conversely, what opinions do you fear sharing because of shame?
His Spirit really is big enough, friends.