Lots of contractions this time around already. Lots.

It’s weird because in the first pregnancy, the boy never dropped. I never dilated at all. (Why am I blogging on the world wide web about dilation?)

His heart rate kept dropping and they finally induced me. I had strong cramps for 4 hours and Caden didn’t handle these little cramps well at all. They soon rushed me with oxygen into the surgery room for a C-Section. Dan couldn’t even come in with me. It sucked. I puked on the operating table. I was so scared. And when Caden was born, I didn’t recognize him. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense.

I’m writing to anyone who reads this blog that is a person of prayer. It is hard for me to think of a single thing I enjoyed about having a baby for the first few months. I was scared of him. I was scared of my own baby. Couldn’t sleep. Dan had to sit down beside me and talk me through eating. A little at a time. So I could keep it down.

I was nursing and one month he didn’t gain enough weight. I felt myself spiraling downward.

I was convinced Caden liked Dan more than me. I didn’t know how to love him. I would watch Dan sing and tickle him, make up goofy nicknames for him and I’d think What am I doing here? They don’t need me.

The enemy is really, really mean.

It was one of the scariest times in my life.

And I’m a little over a month away from giving it another go.

Yes. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Thank goodness. When you know what’s wrong you can work to deal with it. Through talking with a counselor and getting on some medication, I started to sleep. I could eat without gagging. Suddenly my boy didn’t seem so scary. The part of me that wanted to bond started coming back.

My parents said they breathed a huge sigh of relief when I emailed them this picture:

That’s over 3 months after his birth. It took me that long to learn to enjoy my little boy.

I think he forgives me. And I forgive myself a little more all the time for not being my child’s savior. Then or ever. That’s not my role.

Would you pray for us? There are so many things about parenting that don’t come naturally to me. And I’ve heard that having two kids is way more than twice as much work. I promise I’m not going into this already defeated. But I do realize sometimes that I’m gritting my teeth and am unaware of it. When I retrace my thoughts, I had been thinking about all the changes and how it will go.

Fortunately, Dan still has a job. We aren’t planning on moving 4 apartments in his first 4 months. We won’t even be leaving the country 🙂 I get to bring him back to the same home I left. Not that this is a right I have, but it is something I don’t take for granted.

I know my limits, have a support system and am already on a low dose medication that can easily be stepped up a notch for that rough newborn period if needed.

Things are looking up. But prayer is what I’d love to feel covered in. No, I don’t deserve it. All I deserve is hell. But my gracious, completely adoring Father gives me so much more than that every day. I will never be ungrateful.

Thanks for reading and praying if you choose to. I love you and I don’t even know all of you.