I’ve had my fingers hovered above the keyboard the past couple of days.  Stuck on what to write in my desire to be disciplined in writing.

Yesterday I decided to read entries past.  And I was so saddened by the arrogance and pride in some old posts.  I was so wrong.  The worst part was realizing that those written entries represented a lot of lived days.

I’ve also been struck by some memories and insights the past 24 hours.  I almost never watch TV during the day, but Caleb and I turned it on yesterday to see a girl struggling with OCD on a talk show.  They were offering her treatment at a ranch, but she had to give up working out in order to deal with her disorder.  She refused.

The thing was…I understood.

I remember being so fearful of losing control of the one thing I felt I had control over that nothing else mattered.  How getting help pales in comparison to being able to keep rigid rules made for some sense of security.

Then I read Beth Moore’s sister’s entry today about her spiral downward with alcoholism.

And I understood.

I rarely touch alcohol, but the addiction taking over made complete sense.  I remember going to the bakery store and buying whatever pastries sounded appealing and eating the whole box…just so I could throw them up and feel that empty feeling.  I didn’t want to feel the pain or recognize my lack of coping skills in the difficult times.  I wanted to feel empty.  

It’s amazing what God has saved me from.  It’s His mercy.  Not my righteousness.  When I am tempted to feel self-righteous, I’m experiencing severe forgetfulness.  When I begin to gloss over my past and what He’s delivered me from, I’m going crazy.  I’ve been delivered from behaviors that could have killed me.  He required a lot of work on my part, but make no mistake…He’s my Savior.    

Sometimes I wish everyone could know Him like this, from this angle.  To have been Had (to quote Beth Moore from When Godly People Do Ungodly Things).  To realize you made a fool of yourself…not just once but many times.  Not just a long time ago, but recently.  Not just when you were ignorant, but when you knew better.  Not because you had some hard knocks, but because you chose badly.

And yet.

Love and grace and forgiveness abound.  Yes, so do consequences and discipline.  But praise Him they are from His loving hand.

I know there is a fine line in sharing testimonies.  There is a way that can glorify sin or over-share.  I hope that isn’t the case in my post.  I wasn’t even going to publish this, but I think I will.  I am a captive set free.  He is my Redeemer.  I know the depths of His love.  I should never stop talking about how good He is.

“‘Do not be afraid,’ Samuel replied.  ‘You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart.  Do not turn away after useless idols.  They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless.  For the sake of his great name the LORD will not reject his people, because the LORD was pleased to make you his own.  As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you.  And I will teach you the way that is good and right.  But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.  Yet if you persist in doing evil, both you and your king will be swept away.'” 1 Samuel 12:20-25

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.  They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.  He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:16-19