We’re treading some sensitive Inside Out waters today. Since I cannot guarantee that only women read this blog, I want to proceed with caution and awareness.
“With the loss of joyful freedom to fully express all we are as men and women, we sense a deep uneasiness, a restlessness that drives us to recapture the wholeness that comes from enjoying our sexual identity. But without God, the nearest we can come to rich and exciting enjoyment of that identity is fulfillment of our physical desires…[this] provides fallen people with the closest available approximation to what is means to be fully alive as sexual beings…
When people turn from God, the first thing they pursue when God removes His restraining hand is sexual pleasure…
Until we sense the deep discomfort we feel in relating as men and women, we haven’t touched the core of our struggle…
The feelings of shame so deeply attached to our doubts about our maleness or femaleness provide powerful motivation to protect ourselves from further wounds. We will not face our self-protective maneuvering nor be passionately convicted about its sinfulness until we see its function is to preserve whatever is left of our identity as men and women.
When the happy-go-lucky husband realizes his refusal to sincerely communicate with his wife about difficult matters reflects a terrible fear that he may not have what it takes to win respect from her, then he can begin to face not only the terror of threatened manhood but also the thrill of its potential.
When the businesslike woman sees her fear of being exploited or disdained if she offers what’s really inside her feminine heart, then she can better understand that her self-protection is a desperate attempt to hide her damaged womanhood. When she realizes that beneath her defensive hardness is a woman, wounded and afraid, she may get an exciting glimpse of what it would mean to be fully female, a glimpse that will both terrify and entice her.
Deep repentance includes giving up self-protection in order to more fully express the man or woman we were created to be. It liberates us to be the tender, strong, involved men and the secure, giving, vulnerable women who can live out God’s design and more properly represent Him. Change at the deepest level requires a recognition that we see ourselves as weakened men and damaged women.”
Inside Out, pgs. 209-212
I think with books like Wild at Heart and Captivating, we’ve brought this conversation into many of our homes and churches and small groups. And I have no interest in pretending to be a men’s group leader or a psychologist or anything. I just want to obey God by bringing it up here.
There was a time in college when I only wore (well, hid in) baggy clothes. Some of it was not feeling great about myself. But a lot of it was deeper. I remember consciously thinking, “No guy is going to choose me because of my looks.”
And I was going to make sure of it.
When that is what you portray, the message is received. There is no joyful freedom in allowing the beauty God gave you to flow through. There is no pleasure in feeling feminine or pretty because it could attract unwanted attention you have minimal boundaries to reject.
You see, my heart was just starting to come alive to Him. He was walking me through some deep wounds and fears and was coming through for me.
And I was terrified.
Mostly because if others saw the healing in me, they might want it. But they might also want me. And then what was I to do? I would for sure fail them. I didn’t have very many years of relating to more than a few people in a way that can bond you. And what if I related in this new, sincere way and it didn’t work out? What if they left? What if I wanted to leave – if I felt trapped or got bored?
I had not yet figured out we’re Jars of Clay. That the all-surpassing greatness is in Him. We point to Him. We don’t have to be afraid of letting others down. Of course we will. But that’s okay, we are not their greatest hope.
Again, I am not just talking about dating/marriage relationships. But community. Healthy, interdependent relationships with both genders. The kind of intimacy that at once connects you and frees you to be a unique individual.
I had known independence. I had known stifling co-dependence. I wanted to learn healthy interdependence.
But here’s the problem: Everybody else is broken, too.
Everybody.
And we learn to do this dance with each other in differing levels of healing and wholeness and brokenness and spiritual poverty. We hurt each other. Really badly. But we also laugh until we cry. And we sing together because no matter how much we’ve let each other down, He has never let us down. And we hope that love will win.
It does win. We know it does because we’ve read the last chapter in the Book. But if you’re reading this and haven’t at least entered into this conversation about healing and gender identity, please do. I hope it goes without saying you need to find someone trustworthy who won’t blab your story to the masses. It needs to be someone of your gender. You need God to guide you. And you have to be aware that whoever you talk through this with has their own level of issues in this area.
But none of those things are reasons to avoid it or sweep it under the rug. The enemy thrives in secrecy and shame. Find someone who will listen and empathize without enabling bad choices or continued sin. Because if this is an area in which we self-protect, it is sin. We’re failing to love genuinely with our whole heart. It’s still about us and our threatened manhood or womanhood. Not the other person.
In Praying God’s Word, Beth Moore quotes Dennis Jernigan’s reason for sharing his testimony in this area:
“Why do I share my testimony? For several reasons. When God gave me the gift of life, I believe he coupled it with the desire to share my freedom with others…I could never withhold salvation and hope from anyone, even though it means the regular sharing of my own deepest wounds and failures. Like Jesus, I was called to lay down my life and my reputation that others might see what redemption looks like.”
Lay down our lives. Lay down our reputations. Probably not in front of everyone, though He may ask that of you. But to be willing to dig deep enough, to stand in the pain long enough, to let Him begin to heal you. So others can see the Healer.
Please don’t make me tell you I haven’t figured this all out. Of course I haven’t. I’m still a mess, hiding one day, trying to control the next.
But He and I are walking through it together. He’s never let me down, even (especially?) in this awkward, sensitive area.
He will never let you down, either.