Okay, Inside Out, you don’t have to stare me down.

But, seriously, it would be easier to hide behind Hosea.

Here we go…

“Nothing matters more for the Christian than walking the path that leads to knowing God. Knowing God changes us into richer, stronger, more loving Christians who know what it means to deeply enjoy and to powerfully love others…

The Holy Spirit has demonstrated His ability to penetrate my soul with ruthless exposure of all that I am and then to comfort or encourage, convict or prod. I know what it is to catch a glimpse of the reality of God that overwhelms me with His majesty, His holiness, and His love…

Several friends have deeply encouraged me with their integrity. I sense the reality of God when I’m with them. When they speak, the words come from deep parts of their souls. Their love is unfeigned – not perfect, but sincere…

If you’re a Christian eager to walk [the path of knowing God], then recognize you must make a choice to live life honestly.

Nothing will bring you pain more than that one decision.

Because we intuitively sense that life in a fallen world is not what we want it to be, the choice to enter into its reality as fully as possible seems foolish. Better to keep our distance from life’s disturbing elements.

But God has not kept His distance.

If we desire to meet Him and to taste His loving power, we must open our eyes to whatever is true, however unsettling it may be.

And it will be unsettling.

An honest look at life will produce confusion about what we see in our world and in ourself. It will cause disappointment in others, often at critical moments when a sensitive response would mean so much. And it will provoke conviction over the inevitable ways we violate the command to love.

If something is from God, it will inevitably promote the character of Christ in those who embrace it…

Disappointment can drive us to hope. If we remain aware of all our heart longs for, even when we’re badly hurt, then the prospect of one day being with Christ can become an alluring passion, a solid anchor that keeps us steady in the worst storms of rejection. A hope that keeps us going when we feel most alone will take over the central place in our affections.

Conviction over lack of love can run deep. If we limit our awareness of sin to such things as obvious moral failure and undisciplined living, we tend to become a rigidly good person whose best relationships remain stiff. We will not learn to love. But when we become sensitive to the subtle violations of love involved in our self-protective style of relating, we’ll feel overwhelmed with personal sinfulness…

When we face our sinfulness, its sheer ugliness can drive us to profound repentance that opens up a new dimension of love. The love that grows out of deep repentance over self-protective sin is penetrating and rich…

The path to maturity requires a commitment to replace false certainty, pretend satisfaction, and smug spirituality with disturbing levels of confusion, disappointment, and conviction, which in turn create the opportunity to develop faith, hope, and love…

Read your Bible, pray, worship, develop rich community with others who are committed to honest living. When the pain of life overwhelms you, you’ll need to know the truth of God, you’ll need to be open to the Spirit of God, and you’ll need the probing support of the family of God.

All three are needed to grow in faith, hope, and love.

There is a path to change from the inside out. Don’t give up!”

Inside Out, pgs. 219-223

Well, that certainly wasn’t a light read.

Here are beautiful wildflowers, courtesy of my Dad, to help us press on.

I talked to a friend the other day about this.

So I see all these self-protective strategies. Now what?

Yes, now what.

If we were already formed into who He wants us to be, there would be little reason to still be here on this earth. Or at least we could spend our entire time helping others and ignoring our own hearts. But there is a reason we’re here. There is much Kingdom Work to do. And a lot of that work will happen inside us.

There is a surprising amount of doer in me. Don’t get me wrong. I am also very good at sitting.

But what I mean is sometimes it’s easier to just get on with the task. Just do. Shut down my feelings, close off my sensitivity, produce. Our culture trains that into us quite young.

However, it seems that the great devotional masters know that the internal work of simplicity is crucial for any of the external to matter.

Or, as Jesus said, apart from Me you can do nothing.

The Spirit of God, the Word of God, the People of God. We need them all.

Since the whole self-protective thing keeps resonating, I thought I’d throw out a few more examples (both from this book, other books, and my own life).

Before you read we need to reach an understanding: We both (me and you reading this) promise to not retreat emotionally as we read these things. Second, we both promise to remember I am not writing these to any specific person who may read this. And third, as we read we will remember that not all relationships are safe and protecting our hearts with good boundaries is often the most loving thing we can do.

Deal?

Deal.

{Firm hand shake}

Okay, see if you recognize the subtle sin of lack of love in any of the following:

Apologizing profusely or too often (actually a demand that others are pleased with you and approve of all you do)

Saying “that’s okay” to something that really hurt you

Ignoring the subtle hints of pain you see in others

Only offering solutions to others instead of deeply entering their life

Venting about how someone hurt you but never honestly facing up to it with them

Rationalizing deep hurt with something like “I’m sure I deserve it” or “I know I should forgive and shouldn’t be this hurt” instead of engaging the pain and the relationship

Not speaking up when others hurt you or hurt someone you love

Being efficient and busy but not emotionally available

Refusing the godly humility that forces you to “impose” on others: with your needs, heart, hurts

Never letting others see you cry or in pain

Not letting others cry or be in pain (a way to demand that life is always okay or upbeat when it is not)

Constantly being suspicious of others’ motives

Defensive when others lovingly confront your sin

Confronting others’ sin more often than connecting with them lovingly

Always wanting to lead; never willing to follow

Always wanting to follow; never willing to step up and lovingly lead

Refusing to take genuine compliments

Offering flattery versus sincere compliments

Withholding compliments

Withdrawing instead of engaging

Laughing off anything too serious rather than deal

Hide behind any internal or external pain – rather than walk through it to heal

Having many acquaintances but no deep friendships

Subtly or not-so-subtly demanding others love you

Becoming too dependent on someone else instead of being a separate, adult individual

Allowing or looking for others who depend on you in an unhealthy way so you feel needed

Seeking attention or control or approval or sensitivity to your feelings instead of loving sacrifice and involvement with the other person

Sabotaging good relationships because of personal shame or fear

Hiding behind gifts, talents or skills instead of showing a safe handful of trustworthy people all of you

Hiding behind sin, shame and fear instead of showing a safe handful of trustworthy people all of you

Dealing only with your own and others’ behavior instead of your heart and theirs

Talking too much to avoid intimacy

Pushing others away when they get too close or touch that broken part of your heart

Not maintaining healthy, appropriate boundaries because of fear of loss of relationship

Using charm instead of integrity to draw others into your life

Seeing yourself only as a victim rather than both a legitimate victim and a legitimate agent of harm in a fallen world

Seeing yourself only as an agent of harm rather than both a legitimate agent and a legitimate victim in a fallen world

Please don’t be flooded emotionally! That was a lot. But I want to bring it up since we don’t often talk about how these things can violate the Law of Love.

Sometimes awareness is the first step.

In order to have integrity, I will share the ones I’m most convicted about:

Apologizing when I want reassurance that others approve of me or my actions

Defensive when others confront my sin

Withdrawing instead of engaging – then attacking when it builds up

Being suspicious of others instead of believing all things like agape love does (1Cor13)

Hiding behind both gifts and sins instead of just being who He wants me to be

The book points out that until we are aware of how deep our thirst is, we will never realize the broken cisterns we try to dig on our own.

But if we are aware of our thirst, we need to point out to each other which of these cisterns will never give us the water we crave.

This is too difficult to face on our own.

But with safe community? With His Word and Spirit to guide us?

Father, have your way with us.