On the Balcony of a Site

Pronounced see-tay, this is a Turkish apartment complex. Although this photo is not the actual courtyard where we were stayed in Istanbul, those small balconies are similar to the one in “our” apartment.

And it was on such a balcony where I had my first breakthrough with deep, persistent postpartum depression.

I’ve written a little about postpartum before. At the time, I was writing to request prayer. Today I want to share a little more deeply about some of the ways God met me in my despair.

We had lived with our wonderful teammates for the first 3 months of our son’s life. I was not getting better. During a panic attack-type episode, Dan looked at me and said, “We are not going back to [our city] with you like this!”

The leadership of our organization was kind enough to move us to a place by ourselves with lots of light and windows.

In His divine timing, a family from our team was in the city to get their visas renewed. The wife had struggled before with depression and I was warmed as she shared her experiences.

She encouraged me to write down things I’m hearing in my head.

Then ask Him what He thinks.

For the sake of understanding the horror that is anxiety, I am going to share some of the things that were (literally) swirling in my head:

– We are a burden on people’s resources

– We are lazy since we’re not in our “correct” city working

– People are all judging us

– Everyone is talking bad about us behind our backs

– People have been patient up til now, but that will soon end

– I feel guilty because I am guilty

– I’m a terrible mother

– The way I feel about mothering will never get better

– My record is permanently stained

– I owe everyone

– I need to somehow work this off

Now, if someone else had told me they were thinking the above list of harsh, harsh comments about themselves, I would have been able to come up with a zillion reasons why none of that was true.

But when it’s you, it feels so true.

That afternoon, after I laid the baby down for his nap, I wandered onto our apartment’s small balcony and sat down in the sun.

Dan came out soon after. He sat down next to me, staring silently out into the courtyard trees. I glanced at him then, sensing his deep concern as well as his helplessness. I had never felt like such a burden.

I had brought out with me the book “Praying God’s Word” so I asked him to pray the verses from “Overcoming Despair” out loud over me.

He did.

Oh, he did.

If I was needing His thoughts on my situation, He certainly answered me intimately:

You love me with an everlasting love. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. (Jer 31)

Lead me when I’m blinded by ways I have not known, along unfamiliar paths please guide me. Turn the darkness into light and make the rough places smooth. (Is 42)

You have never forsaken those who seek You. (Ps 9)

You do not give to me as the world gives. My heart need not be troubled or afraid. (Jn 14)

You make me lie down in green pastures; You lead me beside quiet waters; You restore my soul. (Ps 23)

You, Mighty Defender, love me, an alien, giving me food and clothing. (Deut 10)

You are my God and I am among the sheep of Your pasture, the flock under Your care. (Ps 95)

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecc 3). Nothing is ‘untimely’ to You.

You are my hiding place. (Ps 32) Cover me with Your feathers and grant me refuge under Your wings (Ps 91)

I felt bathed in the sunlight. I asked Him to please cover my shame. I pictured Him standing between me and this Enemy of Depression and taking it all in the chin for me.

We sat that way for some time, relishing His Presence.

When I finally stood up, I felt lighter somehow. The storm wasn’t over but the waves weren’t crashing as furiously.

It was going to be okay.