“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
– Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
Do you have a recurring lie that you’re tempted to believe over and over? Especially in times of stress or disappointment or struggle?
I do. The enemy likes to whisper, “They’re gonna leave…and it’ll be all your fault.”
When this is your lie, and you choose to live out of that lie in your behavior, being transparent takes a back seat. Performing becomes uppermost. “Getting over” your “issue” immediately takes precedence. After all, what if taking your time through your struggle causes people to get sick of you? And if you don’t show your best qualities, what on earth will people stick around for?
Yes, I know. That’s not how it works. We’re drawn to people who are open and transparent. We connect with the honesty and struggle in others.
Besides, it seems to me that the things I know about or am passionate for have come from my worst failures.
So how do we share our issues without wallowing or enabling sin in each other? And how do we let our “mess become our message” without forgetting where we came from? (1cor1:26-31)
Our pastor talked about the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is latin for ‘with faith’ (con fide). Confidence is faith; arrogance is sin.
I deeply desire to be transparent on here without glorifying sin. I want to continue documenting the whole idea of a journey into simplicity of heart that I am in no way pretending I’ve mastered. And if I do it in some kind of arrogant, condescending way, heaven help me. He would have every right to…I don’t know…do something!
But in confidence, I want to dig deeper. I want to learn and grow. I want to be challenged out of my greed. I want to be inspired that the things I struggle with wanting are not nearly as beautiful as Him. Or His purposes. I want to see clearly – again – that putting those things as primary importance is idolatry. Or as our pastor said a week ago, “Jesus is after your heart; and when He gets that, He’ll get everything else.”
So where were we? Ah, yes. Overseas. What a gift.
When we returned to America, I felt what a covetous spirit was. I had missed some conveniences surrounding the birth of our son and now felt entitled to them. And that, my friends, is ugly when given leeway.
I remember one instance in particular when I bemoaned to my friend, “Everyone else has a house! Why can’t we just have one, too?”
Now I know that’s not true. And a house isn’t a right. And 3 years into our rental house, I can see at least some of the reasons why we haven’t bought our own. Who knows about the future. But we feel called to this house for now at least, so despite any vacillating this way or that we’ve done in the last few months, this house is right where we’ll be.
Moving in here was such a joy. Even though I’d had (too many) moments of being an ungrateful child, our Father still blessed us with such as sweet little home. The kitchen was even pale yellow (my favorite color)! There was already one of those little pot hanger thingys that I think are cute. It was open and sunny and on a corner lot. The garage was big enough to put our excess junk in when we required storage. And a garden had already been marked off with a border. Fun!
We were learning what Foster calls, “both the goodness and the limitation of material things. The material world is good, but it is a limited good – limited in the sense that we cannot make a life out of it. To deny the goodness of the created order is to be an ascetic. To deny the limitation of the created order is to be a materialist.” (pg.11)
We were enjoying some blessings to which we knew we had no right. They were just blessings from His gracious hand. I’m sure you know what I mean. He is a good Father. As Foster says, “It is like God to want to give us good things.”
But he continues with some wise words we’ve been learning as well: “The connection between obedience and blessing is genuinely significant, and the significance is not primarily in the notion of being rewarded for doing what is right. That has its place, but it is a minor place, almost a childish place. The deeper reality in obedience is the kind of spirit it works into us. It is a spirit that crucifies greed and covetousness. It is a spirit of compassion and outreach. It is a spirit of sensitivity and trust. Once this inner disposition has taken over our personality, material blessings cannot hurt us, for they will be used for right purposes. We will recognize material goods to be not for us alone, but for the good of all.”
But that, my friends, is a subject matter for another post!