Oh my.

You may not believe this, but one of my main “countries” in the personality flag page is Peace. 

I know, it may not seem like it.  But I actually really, really dislike conflict.  It makes my stomach churn.  I really want everyone to love each other and, more specifically, to love me.

A close friend said something the other day that kind of put it in words, “You have the ability to make people feel like they really know you well.  Even though they may only know the first few layers of you.”

I’ve pondered that lots.  I don’t mean to ever be inauthentic.  And some of that is just different levels of relational intimacy.  But my point is, ask some of my good friends and I think they’d back me up: I’m concerned about peace, about hurting others, about relationships.

There.

Now. 

All that said, I’m going to link to two potentially volatile blog posts.  Not because I want to hurt anyone or stir any pot.  But because I feel so driven to spread the second message.

If you’re on Facebook, you might have seen the post “FYI (if you’re a teenage girl).”  She talks about raising three teenage boys and their rules for online exposure.  If you haven’t read it, it’s worth the read.  Lots of good points.

It is here:  http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/

I read it, nodded along with some of her points, and then felt…unsettled.  So I was interested when a friend on Facebook posted similar sentiments and said the following blog nailed what had bothered her about the post.

Here is the blog that responds to the previous post: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2013/09/dear-mrs-hall-regarding-your-fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/

If you have time, they’re both worth the read and both have such excellent points.

But if you don’t have time, let me just say the point I’m most driven to put on this silly blog is the final one:

Second blogger writes, “The last issue I had with your letter was on the subject of second chances. “And so, in our house,” you wrote, “there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent.  If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island.” 

And I guess, to be completely honest here, the reason this made me so sad is because I’m someone who needed a second chance as a young woman. And a third chance. And a fourth chance. Infinity chances, really. The difference then, of course, was there was no social media to check. Or ways for my insecurity, my disrespect of myself, my questioning, my doubts, my wandering, my desperate search to find myself, to find value, to find meaning… to be part of the permanent record.”

Um…yes.  And I’m still needing infinity chances.  I think we all are. She said the message she wants her daughter to internalize is this:

“We see you, sweetheart. We do. We see what you’re writing. We see what you’re posting. We see more of you than you think we do. We see sometimes down to the very center of your soul. And what you need to know is this: You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are your physical body, and you are so very much more. And you, baby girl, have infinite chances for grace and redemption and relationship and community and wholeness and LOVE. Always. Always and forever. Amen.”

Oh, what does that do to your heart?  I want to bawl like a baby just re-reading that.  And that’s the message our team wants to send to the women we reach out to.  We want to be “seventy times seven” forgivers and lovers.  Not just of them, but of our community, our families, our co-workers, our neighbors, ourselves. 

God has made me put my money where my mouth is on this issue over the last five years.  A dear friend of mine has made bad choice after bad choice because of some unhealed, deep wounds in her soul.  And each time He’s asked me to not give up on her.  To not judge her.  To love her right where she is at without condoning her behavior.  It’s like He wanted to see me be faithful with one of His precious creations before He sent me in to love on forty of His precious creations.  I pray I will be found faithful.

Now.  Please know, as a mama of two boys, I know the message of purity will come up.  And most definitely the issue of online accountability and honor will come up.  And maybe I’m not qualified to talk about all this because we haven’t reached that age yet.  But I do know one thing for sure.  I want our sons, when they are young men, to be able to look a young woman in the eye who is seeking attention in a sexual way and say with utmost tenderness and sincerity,

“You don’t have to do this.  You are loved just for who you are.  I can tell you all about Him and a group of people who seek to live like Him.” 

(And he could also probably say, “And my mom would love to mentor you if you’re available.”  Smile.)

Yes, I know – at least intellectually – what temptations he will be facing when he would have a conversation like that. 

But if all the young men who are being raised to have a higher standard for purity ignore girls like her (girls like me) who will be left to tell her the truth?  As a young man?  Because, see, she can hear it from older women or female peers who may be trying to reach out to her, but come on.  The attention she is seeking is male.  And a male needs to be bold enough to show her love with good boundaries.  She might possibly hear it from him.  Especially if she sees there are no strings attached in his befriending her.

I have a fear.  It may be irrational.  It definitely doesn’t seem on the horizon any time soon.  But here it is:

What if God opens the floodgates and a sea of women who work in the sex industry flow into our churches?  Not after they’ve cleaned up their act, but just as they are?

Are we ready?  Is the fight for purity going to be used in their favor?  To reach out to them?  Or will they feel too different?  Ignored?  Like God-fearing men couldn’t possibly befriend them because they are one of “those women”? 

And what if they flirt?  What if they dress in a way that’s inappropriate?  (My friend was kicked out of a church as a teenager when she was visiting family in another town because she had a shirt on that showed her midriff.  She had to wait in the car until the service was over.)

I really do wonder. 

I personally know plenty of men in churches – my church and others – who I don’t doubt for a second.  I’m not saying they won’t have to guard their minds and hearts.  I’m saying I know they are up for the battle because they know God will use them in the women’s healing journey if they are faithful.  The women will need older men who will show them safe, fatherly love.  They will need men who are their peers to show them safe, brotherly love. 

And I know many men who would do that with honor and integrity.

I know trust is earned.  I know protecting our community is important.  I know we need to set a higher standard.  But may we also be known for love.  For grace.  For patience. 

Jesus, please help us see ourselves clearly.  Help us know how to protect our sons and raise our daughters.  And help us also know how to love a lost world and walk them through finding freedom in You.  We are people of Second Chances.  Oh, praise You that we are!  We’re all goners without that hope.  May that kind of love flow from us daily.

We love You.